What Can We Do To Stop Bullying? Everything!!

Bully - The Movie

For the past year, my husband and I have spearheaded a small committee dedicated to starting a movement in our community "To Stop Bullying"! In order to do this,

we realize that the only way to create change is to open minds through education and awareness and to open hearts through compassion and empathy.

We will accomplish this with a two day anti-bullying event entitled "In Harms' Way: Dangers Facing Our Children Today"  which will feature Kirk Smalley of Stand For The Silent.  Kirk will speak to over 2,500 students at four local school assemblies as well as present at two public events. In addition, we will screen the film Bully through the Prescott Film Festival - a documentary which captures the tragic effects of bullying in the lives of five families.

Let's Stand Against Bullying - Let's Stand For The Silent

Many people have asked, why would you do this?  You no longer have children in your home? Why not just sit back and enjoy your retirement? Please read the interview below and you will find out why.

What can we do to stop bullying? Everything!!

Bullying (or cyber bullying) is not a rite of passage for a child.  It is a recipe for ruination of a young person's life. 

What can we do to stop bullying?  Everything! 

 Let's do this now! Let's get this done! Let's do this together!

Drinking, Drugs, and Danger in the Digital Age! Is Your Family At Risk?

Drinking, Drugs, & Danger in the Digital Age

Depending on the generation, youth has always faced its social challenges, tested them, and moved through them - scaring some young people more than others. Over the past couple of months, however, two high profile cases have been in the news regarding the degradation of two young females by their peers - in real life, and then perpetuated by online victimization. The combination of drinking, drugs, and dangerous behaviors in the Digital Age has catapulted the violators of such injustices and their victims to a whole new realm of exposure, and of ensuing consequence. While emotions are highly charged around both of these recent cases (as with many others that mimic these horrific offenses), and while there are many different levels of accountability for all parties involved, Parents and Guardians are on the front lines of responsibility. And although there are a myriad of strategies to intervene effectively with both offenders and victims, Parents and Guardians, there are three critical interventions you must implement - now.

First, Parents and Guardians, give your children access to technology that is age appropriate. This not only takes into consideration the kind of technology, but also the degree of usage/exploration with the technology. We have rules/laws about the age of drinking. About the driving age. About the voting age.  Why? Because we know that the 'right to participate in a privilege' goes hand in hand with the 'responsibilities that accompany it'. On previous blogs I have addressed this, but once again, know exactly why you are giving your children a piece of technology. State the reasons to yourselves and to your children. Once you  do that, sit down with them and explain its uses as well as the rules/expectations that come along with it. Get everyone in the family on a Family Online Safety Agreement (see below). Introduce your children to the world a 'little at a time'. Help them experience success and allow them to demonstrate responsibility. Do not send them out blindly into an environment where they can falter and fail; where they can destroy their lives and perhaps someone else's forever.

Technology must be age-appropriate.

Secondly, Parents and Guardians, discuss and implement Digital Citizenship with your children.  
Although most of us struggle greatly with the heinous acts of offenders, many of us are even more incensed with the horrific online victimization that accompanies such injustices (photos, videos, etc. of the victims streaming through the Internet). In no way am I  defending any of the offenders when I remind Parents and Guardians that our children are subject to peer pressure. They are impulsive and egocentric. They think in the 'now'.  They are not analytical or evaluative; they typically do not project into the future about the dire consequences of their actions. Parents and Guardians, it is your job to have a conversation with your children about Digital Citizenship - what is good, appropriate, and decent behavior online (and off). If is critical that you lead by example and that you are crystal clear about what your children are to do when and if they find themselves or someone else in danger or in harm's way. In numerous studies,  many young people have stated that they feel that their 'online life is separate from their real life' and therefore, the same rules of respectful behavior do not apply. Remind your children that the 'law' does not see it this way.

Model and teach "Empathy".

Thirdly, Parents and Guardians, model and teach your children empathy. You might think I am joking. No way. This is probably the most important of the three concepts. Read on, carefully. We live in a world of technology; it is amazing and it provides us with incredible knowledge and entertainment! However, in study after study, researches have found that individuals who participate in online aggressive acts also demonstrate lower levels of empathy. In males, researches have detected  a decline in cognitive (thinking) empathy; in females, lower levels of affective (emotional) empathy. Think about this simple fact - we cannot feel badly or sorry for another human being and hurt or harm them at the same time. The lack of empathy itself is exacerbated by the aforementioned facts: the immaturity of the youth involved with their decision making and the disconnect they feel from the real world and their online world. Parents and Guardians, first, you must model empathy.  How are your treating others - online and off?  Do you demonstrate respect, kindness, and a healthy regard for others? Do you practice empathy with your own children?  Next, talk about empathy and teach it to your children.  Use the tragic examples in the news as 'teachable moments'. Ask them what they could have done differently or what they would do if they found themselves in a dangerous situation.  Role-play!  Yes, role-play with your children (age appropriately).  Go through the motions of a harmful situation. Stop and discuss healthy choices - how and when to make them. Parents and Guardians, the more you talk about and model empathy, the more likely your children will be to implement it when the time comes. It could make all the difference between hurting a victim and/or helping one. In short, their decision to chose to be empathic or not could significantly alter the rest of their lives.

Audrey Pott - Age 15

On September 10,2012, a beautiful 15 year old girl named Audrey Pott, attempted to take her own life after being horrifically violated - in real life and online.  Two days later, on September 12, she died. Her family has been forever scarred. Our hearts go out to them. The offenders - their lives and their families- are also forever changed. This didn't need to happen. Parents and Guardians, as we give our children freedoms to enjoy, it is our duty to instruct them about the responsibilities and the dangers inherent within them. 

Let's start today.  Let's step it up.  Let's protect our children... and all the others who deserve no less.    

Note: The Family Online Safety Agreement and other critical tools for parents are available in cyber bullying no more: Parenting A High Tech Generation.  Amazon

For more helpful parenting tools, tips, and resources, please visit Holli Kenley.

You are not alone! We are here to help!

Is "Catfishing" A Form of Cyber Bullying?

First of all, in the on-line world,  what is "catfishing"?   

    

According to the Cyber Bullying Research Center and one of its founders Justin Patchin...."catfishing refers to the practice of setting up a fictitious online profile, most often for the purpose of luring another into a fraudulent romantic relationship" (http://cyberbullying.us/blog, February 7, 2013, 12:41 pm). In the news recently, we have learned of the high profile case of Manti Teo who developed an on-line romantic relationship with another individual whom he believed to be a female. When Manti Teo discovered that the relationship was all a "lie", he and many others in his family were deeply hurt by the layers of deception deliberately inflicted by the online perpetrator.

One of the struggles that parents and guardians face is knowing what is considered to be innocent on-line teasing or playing a joke on an individual and what really constitutes "cyber bullying". Again, according to Patchin, "Anytime someone uses technology in a way that causes repeated harm to another, it can be classified as cyber bullying" (http://cyberbullying.us/blog, February 7, 2013).  Catfishing qualifies as a form of cyber bullying and should be dealt with as such.  As with other forms of cyber bullying, these behaviors are always intentional and aggressive; they can be perpetuated by a group or an individual; and they are targeted against a victim who cannot easily defend him/herself.

What can parents or guardians do to  help protect our youth against "catfishing"?

• Do not give out personal information to on-line individuals that you do not know (in person).
• Even if you know them, limit the amount of personal information.
• Do not accept 'friend requests' from strangers.
• Do not be fooled or blinded by someone's words of affection, or attention, or affirmation. This is how a perpetrator will draw in a innocent person!
• If someone seems too good to be true - they are!  Trust me, no one is perfect!!
• NEVER go meet with someone you met on-line!
• TELL a trusted adult if you think something is "fishy" about an on-line relationship! It probably is!! 

Parents and guardians, in order to make any of this work, you must get involved and stay involved in your children's relationship with their technology.  You  MUST get to know their Net Neighborhood just as you would know their real friends.  Remember, you are not intruding on their privacy - you are protecting them from harm. You are being the parent they need and deserve.

For more tips and tools, please visit Holli Kenley

Note:  For more information, go to Cyber Bullying Research Center

  

Cyber Bullying - Who Is At Risk?

After spending the past several years researching, analyzing, and synthesizing the work of current experts on the issue of cyber bullying, I have discovered there is consensus about who is at risk.  Data strongly supports that international victimization rates range from 10 -42% in  most, if not all, developed countries. And, victimization does not discriminate; individuals targeted cross all social, economic, racial, and cultural boundaries. However, there is also agreement that individuals with special  needs and  GLTB (gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual) communities are more highly victimized. At the same time, as caring concerned parents, guardians, educators, youth, and community members/organizations try desperately to curb this social pathogen , there is an important behavioral tenant that reminds us of how any individual can be victimized or made vulnerable through cyber bullying or from any potentially harmful source  - the degree of access (to any person, place, or thing) is a predictor to the degree of consequence (either positive or negative).

Parents and guardians, it is common sense that we teach, guide, and monitor our children as they grow and develop. As is age appropriate and with maturity that demonstrates responsibility, we allow our children to embrace a myriad of social behaviors: making friends and having over-nights, dating, driving, attending dances and parties, holding down  jobs, etc. With each extension of freedom that we hand over to our youth, we often tremble with the awareness that they are more susceptible to harm. In order to maintain our sanity, we, as parents and guardians, rely on the guidance,expectations and rules that we have set for our children, and we trust in the mutual love and respect that we have demonstrated for each other. This is why it is disturbing and unsettling when I talk with parents and guardians about their lack of  instruction, regulation, and supervision when it comes to their children's use of technology.

Research supports that the more time children spend on technology, the more at risk they are for being victimized, for participating in bullying behaviors, or both.  Once again, the degree of access is a predictor to the degree of consequence. As responsible parents and guardians, there are several strategies to  put into place if we are going to help protect our children from harmful cyber behaviors.

• When you give your children a piece of technology or give them access to it, know why you are doing so!  Have a solid reason for it. Peer pressure is not a good reason!
• Clearly explain the rules and expectations about the use of technology. Yes,there should be rules! Start your children on a Family Internet Use Agreement or Safety Contract ! It is never too late. If you have not used one, start now!  (see below)
• Monitor and supervise the use of the technology.  Am I kidding - NO!  This is extremely important. Yes, monitoring should be age appropriate and it can change as children show responsibility, but do not back down on this.  When parents ask me if it is 'ok' to invade their children's privacy, I respond, "It is better to do the hard work up front than live with the heart-ache in the end." If your kids know ahead of time that you are going to be  involved in their 'on-line life', they will not resent you for it. In fact, they will thank you, especially when they see that you are simply protecting them.      

These are just a few tools to help parents and guardians reduce the risk of harm from unhealthy cyber behaviors. However, the best overall strategy is to be an active involved parent/guardian in your children's relationships with their technology.   Let's change the behavioral equation to...

The degree of meaningful respectful parental involvement and oversight into your children's lives  is a reliable predictor to the degree in which your children will safely, sensibly, and successfully  navigate through life's social challenges.  

For more tips and tools, visit Holli Kenley!

Note: Download a "Family Internet Use Agreement" now and put it in place!

  Family Online Safety Institute

          Click "Parents"; click "Family Online Safety Contract".

Concise But Concrete Answers to Cyber Bullying! Tune in to The Crystal Show!

Crystal zeros in on the right questions...and gets the straight answers!! Parents and Guardians...take a listen!!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/crystalshow1/2013/01/16/holli-kenley-speaks-on-cyberbullying

Cyber Bullying No More - A Casual, Comfortable, and Comprehensive Conversation with Gwen Gistarb

Making Life Easy with Gwen Gistarb - Cyber Bullying

'Cyber Bullying No More' gains traction!

Thank you, Cyrus Webb, for including 'cyber bullying no more: Parenting A High Tech Generation' in your list of 100 best books for 2012!!  And, thank you for demonstrating concern for a topic that continues to harm our youth!

Cyrus Webb Announces His Best Books of 2012! 

Attention Parents and Guardians!  Start protecting your kids from cyber bullying and preventing its spread!  Today, download a "Family Online Contract" from one of the following sources!

Family Online Internet  Safety Contract -  www.fosi.org/resources.html  (click 'Parents', click 'Contract')

Family Contract for Online Safety - www.safekids.com/family-contract-for-online-safety (click 'pledges' and print)

Also, for additional safety tips, go to Keeping Kids Safe - www.02.co.uk/

Remember, like most issues in parenting, doing the HARD WORK UP FRONT saves everyone from tremendous HEARTACHE IN THE END.