Cyber Bullying - Let's Take A Look at What Is Going On!!

In an interview on AZTV's Morning Scramble, Holli discusses cyber bullying with Sandy Moss and Tanya Mock. Why is it becoming so "easy" to inflict harm on another individual? What can we do to prevent this from getting worse? You are invited to take a watch and a listen!

Cyber Bullying - Let's Wake Up To What Is Going On!

  Pick up your copy on Amazon - Cyber Bullying No More!  

Start protecting your family now!

For more tools and tips, visit Holli Kenley!

Enough Is Enough! Parent Alert: It's Time To "Stop Teaching Our Kids To Kill"!

Although I typically write about bullying and cyber bullying with this blog, the psychological factors of causation with individuals who are committing more heinous crimes are eerily similar to those who perpetrate forms of aggression through both types of bullying. Therefore, I would like to share what I have learned.  

I just finished reading Stop Teaching Our Kids To Kill: A Call To Action Against TV, Movie   &Video Game Violence by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman and Gloria DeGaetano. Parents, Guardians, and those entrusted with the well-being of our children, if you don’t read any other book in 2015, I implore you to read this one!

After hearing Lt. Col. Dave Grossman speak at the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists Annual Conference in May 2014, I couldn't wait to get my hands on the second edition of this book (available August 2014). Supported by the latest research as well as by six prestigious organizations  – the American Psychological Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Family Physicians, the American Psychiatric Association, the American Medical Association, and the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry -  Grossman and DeGaetano clearly make the case for  “causal connection between media violence and aggressive behavior in some children”.  However, the alarming and deleterious effects on the psychological, social, cognitive, and physical development of millions of children who are pervasively exposed to violent movies and TV, and/or who are engaging in violent video games are thoroughly defined and discussed.  What I learned is horrifying. This book is not an easy read – but it is a MUST read.

Although every chapter of Stop Teaching Our Kids To Kill is incredibly important, I recommend jumping right into Chapter Three – Murder, Torture, Brutality: Dangerous “Games”, and Chapter Four – The Story I Tell Myself About Myself.  Even with my background in psychology and my professional experience in the areas if trauma and abuse, I was blown away by the depth of Grossman’s and DeGaetano’s  compelling understanding of the human mind and how the processes of reconditioning and re-scripting by exposure to violent media affect children differently at these developmental stages– ages 3-5; ages 6-10; ages 11- 14; ages 15-18.  Parents or guardians, when it comes to violent media and how it influences and impacts a child’s psycho-social development and self-identity, the authors explain step by step how a child’s brain is harmfully “wired and fired”. Just a few of the terms that are part of the “wiring” include the following:

•  Mastery and control
• Operant conditioning
•  Desensitization
• Downward spiral 
•  Wishful identification
•  Imitation to identification

Understanding these terms and many others provides awareness and insight into the damaging developmental consequences on our children, many of which go undetected until acts of aggression or of violence become part of a child’s repertoire of behaviors and anti-social attitudes.

Parents/guardians and for everyone who cares about our children, Lt. Col. Dave Grossman and Gloria DeGaetano write, “The media has been called the third parent because of its pervasive, repetitive, and constant presence in the lives of our children.  Mass media actually comes between and impacts every personal and societal relationship our children form. It’s ever present.”

Enough is enough! It is time to step it up! It is time to Stop Teaching Our Kids to Kill! Grossman and DeGaetano are ready to help.  Along with a wide range of resources, the authors provide readers with a plethora of age appropriate guidelines and practices to incorporate into their parenting.

Get this book! Get it today! 

Let’s all get to work helping our kids live healthier lives!  

* Special Note: 

Lt.Col. Dave Grossman (USA., RET) is an internationally recognized scholar, author, soldier, and speaker who is one of the world's foremost experts in the field of human aggression and the roots of violence and violent crime, As a West Point Psychology professor and professor of military science, Grossman trains medical and health professionals in how to deal with and prevent killing. He is one of our nation's leading trainers of elite military, law-enforcement, and school-safety organizations. 

Gloria DeGaetano is an acclaimed media-literacy educator and the author of the award-winning book Parenting Well in a Media Age: Keeping Our Kids Human.As a consultant and university instructor, DeGaetano has trained thousands of teachers, family-support professionals, and parents in media-related issues since 1987. 

Cyber Bullying No More! Two Online Interviews Packed With Tips For Parents!

October is coming to a close but it doesn't mean that our commitment to Stop Bullying will end.The good news is because bullying and cyber bullying are behaviors that individuals are choosing to participate in, these behaviors can be changed. And the even better news is that if everyone - parents, guardians, wellness professionals, educators,  faith-based and community leaders, etc. - worked together, bullying and cyber bullying could be stomped out. Let's get started!

   

In this two-part on-line interview with Jill Osborne, Licensed Professional Counselor, there are easy and effective tips for the protection from, intervention with, and prevention of cyber bullying. Please take a read.

Cyber Bullying:Tips For Parents - Part I   

   Cyber Bullying: Tips For Parents - Part Two!

And, for a  more comprehensive understanding of Bullying and Cyber Bullying as well as 3 Keys for intervention, please take a listen. 

Bullying - Let's Step In and Step Up! Keys to Awareness and Intervention

Let's do this!  Let's get this done!

Let's end all bullying!

Bloggers Are Standing Up To Bullying!!

I don't  know about you but sometimes I get really discouraged with all the bad news we hear or read, day in and day out!  Aside from limiting my intake of the depressing realities of life, I refuse to get bogged down in it! I stay committed to my calling in the wellness world, and I work hard in my writings to provide informative and restorative information to my readers.The cool thing is - so are thousands, even hundred of thousands- of other people!!

Although there are many serious problems and critical issues facing our families today, tragically bullying and cyber bullying continue to challenge the well-being of our children (and often of adults as well). Ironically, the same source - technology - that serves as a vehicle for cyber bullies to carry out their abusive agendas can also be a healing tool for victims and their parents/guardians!  Out of frustration and fear, parents/guardians will frequently take technology away from their children ( a tech-time out, so to speak) as a punishment for bullies or as a protective strategy for victims. Although this may be part of a larger plan of intervention, I strongly encourage parents/guardians to become acquainted with the incredibly positive and proactive websites, blogs, and organizations who stand with you and for you in your fight against all kinds of bullying!

Recently, NoBullying.com named the top Top 100 Anti Bullying Blogs of 2013  ! Let me say that again- the top 100 Anti Bullying Blogs of 2013! As I said, there are really good folks out there who want to help - who provide healthy and healing sources of support! Please, take some time and look over these amazing sources, and take advantage of what they have to offer you and your children! You won't be disappointed!!    

My blog, Cyber Bullying No More, was named 6th on the list of blogs dedicated to the ongoing fight against bullying and cyber bullying.  Although I am very proud and pleased, my work is not done.  I continue to implore parents/gaurdians to take a more involved role in their children's online life. I hope readers will take time to read my interview with Ernest Dempsey on Cyber Bullying and Blogosphere, published in the online site NewsBlaze. There is more information for the protection from, intervention with, and prevention of cyber bullying!

Parents, you are not alone! 

Bloggers Are Standing Up To Bullying!! 

Take a quick read...

Cyber Bullying and Blogosphere!

And, for a short and easily implementable road map for raising your kids in this crazy but fascinating technological age, please consider obtaining a copy of cyber bullying no more: Parenting A High Tech Generation!

Together - We WILL Make  A Difference!

Anti-Bullying Month - Are You Ready To Take The Cyber Balance Challenge?!

As we continue our discussion on Bullying and Cyber Bullying, today we are going to address two more important strategies - Protection and Prevention.  And, I am going to encourage you to take The Cyber Balance Challenge!  Let's get started!

First, let's understand what Protection is.  Protection means to take steps to help keep us safe or lower the risk of harm.  But, as we all know, when we take steps to protect ourselves, it doesn't mean that will stop or prevent harm from coming our way.  Still, it is important to put protective measures in place, especially with dangerous behaviors such as bullying and cyber bullying.  Because cyber bullying is so rampant and it is very often an extension of traditional bullying behaviors, I am going to give you 3 Keys for Protection from cyber bullying.

1.  First Key - Get yourself and your family on a Family Online Safety Contract (Family Online

Family Online Safety Contract

Safety Institute).  This is mandatory! Download one now and get started. If you want to develop one of your own, great!  Use this one as a sample. This agreement sets up the rules, expectations, guidelines, etc. for online usage for the entire family.  By implementing this contract,adults agree to take responsibility for their online roles and children agree to do theirs as well!

2. Second Key - Know why you are giving your children a piece of technology or giving them permission to utilize it!  Caving in to peer pressure is not a reason.Technology should be age appropriate and adults must take the time to instruct them on the usage of each device.

3. Third Key - Get to know your children's Net Neighborhood! Again, this is mandatory!  Just as parents would want to know where, when, and with whom their child is spending time with in the real world, responsible parents will also want to know this about the Net Neighborhood.  Sit down with them and have them show you where they 'hang out' in the Net World. This is  an amazing communication tool and a great way to protect them from harm.

There are other Protective steps on my website Holli Kenley and in  cyber bullying no more: Parenting A High Tech Generation.

Let's move on to Prevention. What does it mean? Prevention means to stop the harm or injury from coming our way and/or to keep the harm or injury from getting worse. In order to do this, we must address the cause. Although prevention is a little more tricky - especially with cyber bullying - it can be done. In the previous blog, we learned that bullying and cyber bullying are aggressive  behaviors - for the most part "learned behaviors".  There are two very important concepts that we must understand in addressing prevention.

• Cyber bullying is a behavioral symptom or  manifestation of an underlying source - a lack of empathy for another individual.  Very simply, we cannot feel compassion for another person and simultaneously disrespect, dehumanize, and disregard the rights and being of another.
• With the nature of cyber space and our ever-increasing dependence on communicating electronically (not face to face), we are more disconnected from the real world, we are freed up to behave in ways we would not normally do, and our behaviors are reinforced or conditioned by the technology itself and the features of cyber space. (More information on this in cyber bullying no more). 

Thus, in order to Prevent cyber bullying, we must address the cause - the erosion of empathy - as well as what is facilitating that erosion - our over-dependence on electronic communications. Although there are many important steps, let's start with these 3. Get ready...  You are going to need to Take The Cyber Balance Challenge!

1. First Key - Adopt an individual and family philosophy of Cyber Balance! For one week, take a survey of everyone in the family.  Write down every day how  many hours each person spends on technology.  At the same time, also write down how much time your family spends having face to face interactions - with no technology!! Be honest!  At the end of the week (including weekends), add up the hours for each. Ask yourself this question - are we in balance?  If so - great, keep up the good work! If not, regroup and set up new guidelines for cyber balance! Look to the Second Key  for help!

2.  Second Key - Find and establish ways to experience direct interaction - face to face - and practice empathic behaviors and reflective listening. Here are a few suggestions. Designate tech free periods during the day. During this time, as a family or individually, practice "doing good" for one another. Look for ways to cultivate empathy - helping out needy individuals, serving others, even doing each others' chores! Replace tech games with real life games and activities. Put all technology away at meal times and in short car rides. Have a tech free weekend once a month! When someone is talking, put down the technology, looks them in the eyes and listen! More suggestions are in cyber bullying no more! 

3. Third Key - Ouch!!!  Parents, guardians, and adults - you must model healthy use of technology! We must do what we say - we must practice what we preach! Let's live by example!  Put down your technology and spend time directly interacting with your children.  Be present and be available! Really listen to them - especially if you want them to listen to you!!

More steps for Prevention  are on my website, Holli Kenley - Recovery Expert.

And, I will be discussing Taking The Cyber Balance Challenge in more detail on W4CY Radio Wed. October 9, 2013 -  Holli Kenley - Keys For Recovery ! Join me at 12 pm ET!! If you  missed it, take a listen now....
Are You Ready To Take The Cyber Balance Challenge?

Homework:  Take The Cyber Balance Challenge - take your poll and regroup!  And, get your family on a Family Online Safety Contract!  Start today! 


      If you missed last week's show, take a listen  Anti-Bullying Month - Awareness & Intervention!

Drinking, Drugs, and Danger in the Digital Age! Is Your Family At Risk?

Drinking, Drugs, & Danger in the Digital Age

Depending on the generation, youth has always faced its social challenges, tested them, and moved through them - scaring some young people more than others. Over the past couple of months, however, two high profile cases have been in the news regarding the degradation of two young females by their peers - in real life, and then perpetuated by online victimization. The combination of drinking, drugs, and dangerous behaviors in the Digital Age has catapulted the violators of such injustices and their victims to a whole new realm of exposure, and of ensuing consequence. While emotions are highly charged around both of these recent cases (as with many others that mimic these horrific offenses), and while there are many different levels of accountability for all parties involved, Parents and Guardians are on the front lines of responsibility. And although there are a myriad of strategies to intervene effectively with both offenders and victims, Parents and Guardians, there are three critical interventions you must implement - now.

First, Parents and Guardians, give your children access to technology that is age appropriate. This not only takes into consideration the kind of technology, but also the degree of usage/exploration with the technology. We have rules/laws about the age of drinking. About the driving age. About the voting age.  Why? Because we know that the 'right to participate in a privilege' goes hand in hand with the 'responsibilities that accompany it'. On previous blogs I have addressed this, but once again, know exactly why you are giving your children a piece of technology. State the reasons to yourselves and to your children. Once you  do that, sit down with them and explain its uses as well as the rules/expectations that come along with it. Get everyone in the family on a Family Online Safety Agreement (see below). Introduce your children to the world a 'little at a time'. Help them experience success and allow them to demonstrate responsibility. Do not send them out blindly into an environment where they can falter and fail; where they can destroy their lives and perhaps someone else's forever.

Technology must be age-appropriate.

Secondly, Parents and Guardians, discuss and implement Digital Citizenship with your children.  
Although most of us struggle greatly with the heinous acts of offenders, many of us are even more incensed with the horrific online victimization that accompanies such injustices (photos, videos, etc. of the victims streaming through the Internet). In no way am I  defending any of the offenders when I remind Parents and Guardians that our children are subject to peer pressure. They are impulsive and egocentric. They think in the 'now'.  They are not analytical or evaluative; they typically do not project into the future about the dire consequences of their actions. Parents and Guardians, it is your job to have a conversation with your children about Digital Citizenship - what is good, appropriate, and decent behavior online (and off). If is critical that you lead by example and that you are crystal clear about what your children are to do when and if they find themselves or someone else in danger or in harm's way. In numerous studies,  many young people have stated that they feel that their 'online life is separate from their real life' and therefore, the same rules of respectful behavior do not apply. Remind your children that the 'law' does not see it this way.

Model and teach "Empathy".

Thirdly, Parents and Guardians, model and teach your children empathy. You might think I am joking. No way. This is probably the most important of the three concepts. Read on, carefully. We live in a world of technology; it is amazing and it provides us with incredible knowledge and entertainment! However, in study after study, researches have found that individuals who participate in online aggressive acts also demonstrate lower levels of empathy. In males, researches have detected  a decline in cognitive (thinking) empathy; in females, lower levels of affective (emotional) empathy. Think about this simple fact - we cannot feel badly or sorry for another human being and hurt or harm them at the same time. The lack of empathy itself is exacerbated by the aforementioned facts: the immaturity of the youth involved with their decision making and the disconnect they feel from the real world and their online world. Parents and Guardians, first, you must model empathy.  How are your treating others - online and off?  Do you demonstrate respect, kindness, and a healthy regard for others? Do you practice empathy with your own children?  Next, talk about empathy and teach it to your children.  Use the tragic examples in the news as 'teachable moments'. Ask them what they could have done differently or what they would do if they found themselves in a dangerous situation.  Role-play!  Yes, role-play with your children (age appropriately).  Go through the motions of a harmful situation. Stop and discuss healthy choices - how and when to make them. Parents and Guardians, the more you talk about and model empathy, the more likely your children will be to implement it when the time comes. It could make all the difference between hurting a victim and/or helping one. In short, their decision to chose to be empathic or not could significantly alter the rest of their lives.

Audrey Pott - Age 15

On September 10,2012, a beautiful 15 year old girl named Audrey Pott, attempted to take her own life after being horrifically violated - in real life and online.  Two days later, on September 12, she died. Her family has been forever scarred. Our hearts go out to them. The offenders - their lives and their families- are also forever changed. This didn't need to happen. Parents and Guardians, as we give our children freedoms to enjoy, it is our duty to instruct them about the responsibilities and the dangers inherent within them. 

Let's start today.  Let's step it up.  Let's protect our children... and all the others who deserve no less.    

Note: The Family Online Safety Agreement and other critical tools for parents are available in cyber bullying no more: Parenting A High Tech Generation.  Amazon

For more helpful parenting tools, tips, and resources, please visit Holli Kenley.

You are not alone! We are here to help!

Cyber Bullying - Who Is At Risk?

After spending the past several years researching, analyzing, and synthesizing the work of current experts on the issue of cyber bullying, I have discovered there is consensus about who is at risk.  Data strongly supports that international victimization rates range from 10 -42% in  most, if not all, developed countries. And, victimization does not discriminate; individuals targeted cross all social, economic, racial, and cultural boundaries. However, there is also agreement that individuals with special  needs and  GLTB (gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual) communities are more highly victimized. At the same time, as caring concerned parents, guardians, educators, youth, and community members/organizations try desperately to curb this social pathogen , there is an important behavioral tenant that reminds us of how any individual can be victimized or made vulnerable through cyber bullying or from any potentially harmful source  - the degree of access (to any person, place, or thing) is a predictor to the degree of consequence (either positive or negative).

Parents and guardians, it is common sense that we teach, guide, and monitor our children as they grow and develop. As is age appropriate and with maturity that demonstrates responsibility, we allow our children to embrace a myriad of social behaviors: making friends and having over-nights, dating, driving, attending dances and parties, holding down  jobs, etc. With each extension of freedom that we hand over to our youth, we often tremble with the awareness that they are more susceptible to harm. In order to maintain our sanity, we, as parents and guardians, rely on the guidance,expectations and rules that we have set for our children, and we trust in the mutual love and respect that we have demonstrated for each other. This is why it is disturbing and unsettling when I talk with parents and guardians about their lack of  instruction, regulation, and supervision when it comes to their children's use of technology.

Research supports that the more time children spend on technology, the more at risk they are for being victimized, for participating in bullying behaviors, or both.  Once again, the degree of access is a predictor to the degree of consequence. As responsible parents and guardians, there are several strategies to  put into place if we are going to help protect our children from harmful cyber behaviors.

• When you give your children a piece of technology or give them access to it, know why you are doing so!  Have a solid reason for it. Peer pressure is not a good reason!
• Clearly explain the rules and expectations about the use of technology. Yes,there should be rules! Start your children on a Family Internet Use Agreement or Safety Contract ! It is never too late. If you have not used one, start now!  (see below)
• Monitor and supervise the use of the technology.  Am I kidding - NO!  This is extremely important. Yes, monitoring should be age appropriate and it can change as children show responsibility, but do not back down on this.  When parents ask me if it is 'ok' to invade their children's privacy, I respond, "It is better to do the hard work up front than live with the heart-ache in the end." If your kids know ahead of time that you are going to be  involved in their 'on-line life', they will not resent you for it. In fact, they will thank you, especially when they see that you are simply protecting them.      

These are just a few tools to help parents and guardians reduce the risk of harm from unhealthy cyber behaviors. However, the best overall strategy is to be an active involved parent/guardian in your children's relationships with their technology.   Let's change the behavioral equation to...

The degree of meaningful respectful parental involvement and oversight into your children's lives  is a reliable predictor to the degree in which your children will safely, sensibly, and successfully  navigate through life's social challenges.  

For more tips and tools, visit Holli Kenley!

Note: Download a "Family Internet Use Agreement" now and put it in place!

  Family Online Safety Institute

          Click "Parents"; click "Family Online Safety Contract".