Cyber Bully-Proof Your Home - 5 Steps Parents Need To Know and Take!

One in three children is cyber bullied in his or her online life. Daily, countless youth are the targets of chronic humiliation, aggression, and abuse perpetrated through different kinds of electronic communication. Often, parents/guardians don't know their children are being cyber bullied, and /or don't find out until harm has occurred or until the situation has reached a crisis situation. Enough is enough!  It is time to cyber bully-proof your home!

                                   There are 5 steps parents need to  know and take – now!

Safety First!

First: Parents and Guardians, you must establish a Family Online Agreement.  This is mandatory! This is a contract between you and your children that establishes rules and expectations about their online behavior.  At the same time, the contract makes clear what the parents’ roles and responsibilities are.  As children age and demonstrate maturity with their online behavior, the agreement can be amended or changed.  An excellent example of a contract can be downloaded from 

Family Online Safety Institute .

Second: Implement quick and practical Safety Measures. Once you turn over a piece of technology to your children, you must implement four safety measures.  One, protect passwords by teaching children not to share them. Two, protect profiles by teaching children to limit the amount and kinds of information they post online. Three, obtain filtering and monitoring software. And fourth, monitor your children’s online reputation!  Yes, monitor them!  Parents, you are not snooping or invading your children’s privacy. You are protecting them – that is your job. 

Know your children's Net Neighborhood.

Thirdly: Get to know your children’s Net Neighborhood.  When our children start to become social, responsible parents typically want to know three things: where are their children going; who are they going with; and what are they going to be doing? Whether it is in their real life or their online life, children can easily be put in danger. Sit down with your children and get to know their Net Neighborhood! Find out where they are spending time and with whom!  Talk with them; learn from them; and teach them what is safe and what is not.

Fourth: Prepare a Crises Plan.  If your child is being cyber bullied, take three steps. (1) STOP and do not respond to the behavior. (2) SAVE and PRINT OUT the cyber bullying message.  (3) Children need to SHARE the information with trusted adults and parents need to REPORT it to proper authorities (if necessary). Also, if your children are being cyber bullied to the degree that they are in serious or constant danger and/ or that they feel hopeless or helpless, implement a crises plan.  First, make sure that your children know they are SAFE.  Second, SURROUND THEM WITH SUPPORT. Third, many victims respond well when they learn STRONG SOCIAL SKILLS. (For More information on this, pick up a copy of  Cyber Bullying No More: Parenting A High Tech Generation ).

Fifth: Insist on Cyber Balance.  This may sound weird or foreign. Parents, it is vital that children and adults spend time together without their technology. We must insist on cyber balance in our lives. Why? Because the only way to experience empathy for another human being and understand the impact our words or actions have on another person is to spend time together – FACE TO FACE. Parents, you  must  model compassionate, respectful, kind and giving behavior! Remember, our behaviors teach them and influence more than we know!

Talk. Listen. Share.

Before we conclude, parents/guardians, if your child is cyber bullying others, please implement the following three strategies or what I call the "3 C's":

Contract. If you child is cyber bullying, this demonstrates a lack of responsibility in proper usage of his/her technology.  If a Family Online Safety Contract  is not already in place, implement one.  If one is in place, reinforce and/or amend the rules and expectations.  Talk about what is appropriate behavior and what is not.  A “time-out” or “limiting time” from technology is sensible.  However, without communication and ownership of wrong-doing, it does little to change behavior.

Consequences: Consequences should be reasonable and in-line with the degree of offense. Research supports that making meaningful amends to the victim or implementing restorative justice measures benefits both the bully and the victim. Avoid punishment for punishment sake or taking away technology altogether. This does nothing to change behaviors or attitudes.

Counsel and Connect: Many cyber bullies demonstrate a lack of regard or respect for the well-being of others. In short, they lack empathy. Through counseling or other empathy-building groups (such as youth groups, clubs, teams) or gatherings (such as family time, celebrations, holidays), purposefully integrate exercises and activities into your routines or practices which promote kindness, mutual respect, and compassion for one another.When children learn how to connect with the feelings of others, they are more likely to value them. 

Building Connections!

     

Parents and Guardians, this may sound like a lot of work, but as I often say…

”When it comes to our children, it is better to do the hard work up front 

than live with the heartache in the end”.  

For more valuable tools which are easy to implment, pick up your copy of... Cyber Bullying No More: Parenting A High Tech Generation

Please stop by Holli Kenley's Website   and like us @ Author Holli Kenley !
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Check out Holli's exciting new and empowering novel for tweens - teens  -
Another Way!

Anti-Bullying Month - Are You Ready To Take The Cyber Balance Challenge?!

As we continue our discussion on Bullying and Cyber Bullying, today we are going to address two more important strategies - Protection and Prevention.  And, I am going to encourage you to take The Cyber Balance Challenge!  Let's get started!

First, let's understand what Protection is.  Protection means to take steps to help keep us safe or lower the risk of harm.  But, as we all know, when we take steps to protect ourselves, it doesn't mean that will stop or prevent harm from coming our way.  Still, it is important to put protective measures in place, especially with dangerous behaviors such as bullying and cyber bullying.  Because cyber bullying is so rampant and it is very often an extension of traditional bullying behaviors, I am going to give you 3 Keys for Protection from cyber bullying.

1.  First Key - Get yourself and your family on a Family Online Safety Contract (Family Online

Family Online Safety Contract

Safety Institute).  This is mandatory! Download one now and get started. If you want to develop one of your own, great!  Use this one as a sample. This agreement sets up the rules, expectations, guidelines, etc. for online usage for the entire family.  By implementing this contract,adults agree to take responsibility for their online roles and children agree to do theirs as well!

2. Second Key - Know why you are giving your children a piece of technology or giving them permission to utilize it!  Caving in to peer pressure is not a reason.Technology should be age appropriate and adults must take the time to instruct them on the usage of each device.

3. Third Key - Get to know your children's Net Neighborhood! Again, this is mandatory!  Just as parents would want to know where, when, and with whom their child is spending time with in the real world, responsible parents will also want to know this about the Net Neighborhood.  Sit down with them and have them show you where they 'hang out' in the Net World. This is  an amazing communication tool and a great way to protect them from harm.

There are other Protective steps on my website Holli Kenley and in  cyber bullying no more: Parenting A High Tech Generation.

Let's move on to Prevention. What does it mean? Prevention means to stop the harm or injury from coming our way and/or to keep the harm or injury from getting worse. In order to do this, we must address the cause. Although prevention is a little more tricky - especially with cyber bullying - it can be done. In the previous blog, we learned that bullying and cyber bullying are aggressive  behaviors - for the most part "learned behaviors".  There are two very important concepts that we must understand in addressing prevention.

• Cyber bullying is a behavioral symptom or  manifestation of an underlying source - a lack of empathy for another individual.  Very simply, we cannot feel compassion for another person and simultaneously disrespect, dehumanize, and disregard the rights and being of another.
• With the nature of cyber space and our ever-increasing dependence on communicating electronically (not face to face), we are more disconnected from the real world, we are freed up to behave in ways we would not normally do, and our behaviors are reinforced or conditioned by the technology itself and the features of cyber space. (More information on this in cyber bullying no more). 

Thus, in order to Prevent cyber bullying, we must address the cause - the erosion of empathy - as well as what is facilitating that erosion - our over-dependence on electronic communications. Although there are many important steps, let's start with these 3. Get ready...  You are going to need to Take The Cyber Balance Challenge!

1. First Key - Adopt an individual and family philosophy of Cyber Balance! For one week, take a survey of everyone in the family.  Write down every day how  many hours each person spends on technology.  At the same time, also write down how much time your family spends having face to face interactions - with no technology!! Be honest!  At the end of the week (including weekends), add up the hours for each. Ask yourself this question - are we in balance?  If so - great, keep up the good work! If not, regroup and set up new guidelines for cyber balance! Look to the Second Key  for help!

2.  Second Key - Find and establish ways to experience direct interaction - face to face - and practice empathic behaviors and reflective listening. Here are a few suggestions. Designate tech free periods during the day. During this time, as a family or individually, practice "doing good" for one another. Look for ways to cultivate empathy - helping out needy individuals, serving others, even doing each others' chores! Replace tech games with real life games and activities. Put all technology away at meal times and in short car rides. Have a tech free weekend once a month! When someone is talking, put down the technology, looks them in the eyes and listen! More suggestions are in cyber bullying no more! 

3. Third Key - Ouch!!!  Parents, guardians, and adults - you must model healthy use of technology! We must do what we say - we must practice what we preach! Let's live by example!  Put down your technology and spend time directly interacting with your children.  Be present and be available! Really listen to them - especially if you want them to listen to you!!

More steps for Prevention  are on my website, Holli Kenley - Recovery Expert.

And, I will be discussing Taking The Cyber Balance Challenge in more detail on W4CY Radio Wed. October 9, 2013 -  Holli Kenley - Keys For Recovery ! Join me at 12 pm ET!! If you  missed it, take a listen now....
Are You Ready To Take The Cyber Balance Challenge?

Homework:  Take The Cyber Balance Challenge - take your poll and regroup!  And, get your family on a Family Online Safety Contract!  Start today! 


      If you missed last week's show, take a listen  Anti-Bullying Month - Awareness & Intervention!

Cyber Bullying - Who Is At Risk?

After spending the past several years researching, analyzing, and synthesizing the work of current experts on the issue of cyber bullying, I have discovered there is consensus about who is at risk.  Data strongly supports that international victimization rates range from 10 -42% in  most, if not all, developed countries. And, victimization does not discriminate; individuals targeted cross all social, economic, racial, and cultural boundaries. However, there is also agreement that individuals with special  needs and  GLTB (gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual) communities are more highly victimized. At the same time, as caring concerned parents, guardians, educators, youth, and community members/organizations try desperately to curb this social pathogen , there is an important behavioral tenant that reminds us of how any individual can be victimized or made vulnerable through cyber bullying or from any potentially harmful source  - the degree of access (to any person, place, or thing) is a predictor to the degree of consequence (either positive or negative).

Parents and guardians, it is common sense that we teach, guide, and monitor our children as they grow and develop. As is age appropriate and with maturity that demonstrates responsibility, we allow our children to embrace a myriad of social behaviors: making friends and having over-nights, dating, driving, attending dances and parties, holding down  jobs, etc. With each extension of freedom that we hand over to our youth, we often tremble with the awareness that they are more susceptible to harm. In order to maintain our sanity, we, as parents and guardians, rely on the guidance,expectations and rules that we have set for our children, and we trust in the mutual love and respect that we have demonstrated for each other. This is why it is disturbing and unsettling when I talk with parents and guardians about their lack of  instruction, regulation, and supervision when it comes to their children's use of technology.

Research supports that the more time children spend on technology, the more at risk they are for being victimized, for participating in bullying behaviors, or both.  Once again, the degree of access is a predictor to the degree of consequence. As responsible parents and guardians, there are several strategies to  put into place if we are going to help protect our children from harmful cyber behaviors.

• When you give your children a piece of technology or give them access to it, know why you are doing so!  Have a solid reason for it. Peer pressure is not a good reason!
• Clearly explain the rules and expectations about the use of technology. Yes,there should be rules! Start your children on a Family Internet Use Agreement or Safety Contract ! It is never too late. If you have not used one, start now!  (see below)
• Monitor and supervise the use of the technology.  Am I kidding - NO!  This is extremely important. Yes, monitoring should be age appropriate and it can change as children show responsibility, but do not back down on this.  When parents ask me if it is 'ok' to invade their children's privacy, I respond, "It is better to do the hard work up front than live with the heart-ache in the end." If your kids know ahead of time that you are going to be  involved in their 'on-line life', they will not resent you for it. In fact, they will thank you, especially when they see that you are simply protecting them.      

These are just a few tools to help parents and guardians reduce the risk of harm from unhealthy cyber behaviors. However, the best overall strategy is to be an active involved parent/guardian in your children's relationships with their technology.   Let's change the behavioral equation to...

The degree of meaningful respectful parental involvement and oversight into your children's lives  is a reliable predictor to the degree in which your children will safely, sensibly, and successfully  navigate through life's social challenges.  

For more tips and tools, visit Holli Kenley!

Note: Download a "Family Internet Use Agreement" now and put it in place!

  Family Online Safety Institute

          Click "Parents"; click "Family Online Safety Contract".