Enough Is Enough! Parent Alert: It's Time To "Stop Teaching Our Kids To Kill"!

Although I typically write about bullying and cyber bullying with this blog, the psychological factors of causation with individuals who are committing more heinous crimes are eerily similar to those who perpetrate forms of aggression through both types of bullying. Therefore, I would like to share what I have learned.  

I just finished reading Stop Teaching Our Kids To Kill: A Call To Action Against TV, Movie   &Video Game Violence by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman and Gloria DeGaetano. Parents, Guardians, and those entrusted with the well-being of our children, if you don’t read any other book in 2015, I implore you to read this one!

After hearing Lt. Col. Dave Grossman speak at the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists Annual Conference in May 2014, I couldn't wait to get my hands on the second edition of this book (available August 2014). Supported by the latest research as well as by six prestigious organizations  – the American Psychological Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Family Physicians, the American Psychiatric Association, the American Medical Association, and the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry -  Grossman and DeGaetano clearly make the case for  “causal connection between media violence and aggressive behavior in some children”.  However, the alarming and deleterious effects on the psychological, social, cognitive, and physical development of millions of children who are pervasively exposed to violent movies and TV, and/or who are engaging in violent video games are thoroughly defined and discussed.  What I learned is horrifying. This book is not an easy read – but it is a MUST read.

Although every chapter of Stop Teaching Our Kids To Kill is incredibly important, I recommend jumping right into Chapter Three – Murder, Torture, Brutality: Dangerous “Games”, and Chapter Four – The Story I Tell Myself About Myself.  Even with my background in psychology and my professional experience in the areas if trauma and abuse, I was blown away by the depth of Grossman’s and DeGaetano’s  compelling understanding of the human mind and how the processes of reconditioning and re-scripting by exposure to violent media affect children differently at these developmental stages– ages 3-5; ages 6-10; ages 11- 14; ages 15-18.  Parents or guardians, when it comes to violent media and how it influences and impacts a child’s psycho-social development and self-identity, the authors explain step by step how a child’s brain is harmfully “wired and fired”. Just a few of the terms that are part of the “wiring” include the following:

•  Mastery and control
• Operant conditioning
•  Desensitization
• Downward spiral 
•  Wishful identification
•  Imitation to identification

Understanding these terms and many others provides awareness and insight into the damaging developmental consequences on our children, many of which go undetected until acts of aggression or of violence become part of a child’s repertoire of behaviors and anti-social attitudes.

Parents/guardians and for everyone who cares about our children, Lt. Col. Dave Grossman and Gloria DeGaetano write, “The media has been called the third parent because of its pervasive, repetitive, and constant presence in the lives of our children.  Mass media actually comes between and impacts every personal and societal relationship our children form. It’s ever present.”

Enough is enough! It is time to step it up! It is time to Stop Teaching Our Kids to Kill! Grossman and DeGaetano are ready to help.  Along with a wide range of resources, the authors provide readers with a plethora of age appropriate guidelines and practices to incorporate into their parenting.

Get this book! Get it today! 

Let’s all get to work helping our kids live healthier lives!  

* Special Note: 

Lt.Col. Dave Grossman (USA., RET) is an internationally recognized scholar, author, soldier, and speaker who is one of the world's foremost experts in the field of human aggression and the roots of violence and violent crime, As a West Point Psychology professor and professor of military science, Grossman trains medical and health professionals in how to deal with and prevent killing. He is one of our nation's leading trainers of elite military, law-enforcement, and school-safety organizations. 

Gloria DeGaetano is an acclaimed media-literacy educator and the author of the award-winning book Parenting Well in a Media Age: Keeping Our Kids Human.As a consultant and university instructor, DeGaetano has trained thousands of teachers, family-support professionals, and parents in media-related issues since 1987. 

Cyber Bullying No More! Two Online Interviews Packed With Tips For Parents!

October is coming to a close but it doesn't mean that our commitment to Stop Bullying will end.The good news is because bullying and cyber bullying are behaviors that individuals are choosing to participate in, these behaviors can be changed. And the even better news is that if everyone - parents, guardians, wellness professionals, educators,  faith-based and community leaders, etc. - worked together, bullying and cyber bullying could be stomped out. Let's get started!

   

In this two-part on-line interview with Jill Osborne, Licensed Professional Counselor, there are easy and effective tips for the protection from, intervention with, and prevention of cyber bullying. Please take a read.

Cyber Bullying:Tips For Parents - Part I   

   Cyber Bullying: Tips For Parents - Part Two!

And, for a  more comprehensive understanding of Bullying and Cyber Bullying as well as 3 Keys for intervention, please take a listen. 

Bullying - Let's Step In and Step Up! Keys to Awareness and Intervention

Let's do this!  Let's get this done!

Let's end all bullying!

Bloggers Are Standing Up To Bullying!!

I don't  know about you but sometimes I get really discouraged with all the bad news we hear or read, day in and day out!  Aside from limiting my intake of the depressing realities of life, I refuse to get bogged down in it! I stay committed to my calling in the wellness world, and I work hard in my writings to provide informative and restorative information to my readers.The cool thing is - so are thousands, even hundred of thousands- of other people!!

Although there are many serious problems and critical issues facing our families today, tragically bullying and cyber bullying continue to challenge the well-being of our children (and often of adults as well). Ironically, the same source - technology - that serves as a vehicle for cyber bullies to carry out their abusive agendas can also be a healing tool for victims and their parents/guardians!  Out of frustration and fear, parents/guardians will frequently take technology away from their children ( a tech-time out, so to speak) as a punishment for bullies or as a protective strategy for victims. Although this may be part of a larger plan of intervention, I strongly encourage parents/guardians to become acquainted with the incredibly positive and proactive websites, blogs, and organizations who stand with you and for you in your fight against all kinds of bullying!

Recently, NoBullying.com named the top Top 100 Anti Bullying Blogs of 2013  ! Let me say that again- the top 100 Anti Bullying Blogs of 2013! As I said, there are really good folks out there who want to help - who provide healthy and healing sources of support! Please, take some time and look over these amazing sources, and take advantage of what they have to offer you and your children! You won't be disappointed!!    

My blog, Cyber Bullying No More, was named 6th on the list of blogs dedicated to the ongoing fight against bullying and cyber bullying.  Although I am very proud and pleased, my work is not done.  I continue to implore parents/gaurdians to take a more involved role in their children's online life. I hope readers will take time to read my interview with Ernest Dempsey on Cyber Bullying and Blogosphere, published in the online site NewsBlaze. There is more information for the protection from, intervention with, and prevention of cyber bullying!

Parents, you are not alone! 

Bloggers Are Standing Up To Bullying!! 

Take a quick read...

Cyber Bullying and Blogosphere!

And, for a short and easily implementable road map for raising your kids in this crazy but fascinating technological age, please consider obtaining a copy of cyber bullying no more: Parenting A High Tech Generation!

Together - We WILL Make  A Difference!

Anti-Bullying Month - Are You Ready To Take The Cyber Balance Challenge?!

As we continue our discussion on Bullying and Cyber Bullying, today we are going to address two more important strategies - Protection and Prevention.  And, I am going to encourage you to take The Cyber Balance Challenge!  Let's get started!

First, let's understand what Protection is.  Protection means to take steps to help keep us safe or lower the risk of harm.  But, as we all know, when we take steps to protect ourselves, it doesn't mean that will stop or prevent harm from coming our way.  Still, it is important to put protective measures in place, especially with dangerous behaviors such as bullying and cyber bullying.  Because cyber bullying is so rampant and it is very often an extension of traditional bullying behaviors, I am going to give you 3 Keys for Protection from cyber bullying.

1.  First Key - Get yourself and your family on a Family Online Safety Contract (Family Online

Family Online Safety Contract

Safety Institute).  This is mandatory! Download one now and get started. If you want to develop one of your own, great!  Use this one as a sample. This agreement sets up the rules, expectations, guidelines, etc. for online usage for the entire family.  By implementing this contract,adults agree to take responsibility for their online roles and children agree to do theirs as well!

2. Second Key - Know why you are giving your children a piece of technology or giving them permission to utilize it!  Caving in to peer pressure is not a reason.Technology should be age appropriate and adults must take the time to instruct them on the usage of each device.

3. Third Key - Get to know your children's Net Neighborhood! Again, this is mandatory!  Just as parents would want to know where, when, and with whom their child is spending time with in the real world, responsible parents will also want to know this about the Net Neighborhood.  Sit down with them and have them show you where they 'hang out' in the Net World. This is  an amazing communication tool and a great way to protect them from harm.

There are other Protective steps on my website Holli Kenley and in  cyber bullying no more: Parenting A High Tech Generation.

Let's move on to Prevention. What does it mean? Prevention means to stop the harm or injury from coming our way and/or to keep the harm or injury from getting worse. In order to do this, we must address the cause. Although prevention is a little more tricky - especially with cyber bullying - it can be done. In the previous blog, we learned that bullying and cyber bullying are aggressive  behaviors - for the most part "learned behaviors".  There are two very important concepts that we must understand in addressing prevention.

• Cyber bullying is a behavioral symptom or  manifestation of an underlying source - a lack of empathy for another individual.  Very simply, we cannot feel compassion for another person and simultaneously disrespect, dehumanize, and disregard the rights and being of another.
• With the nature of cyber space and our ever-increasing dependence on communicating electronically (not face to face), we are more disconnected from the real world, we are freed up to behave in ways we would not normally do, and our behaviors are reinforced or conditioned by the technology itself and the features of cyber space. (More information on this in cyber bullying no more). 

Thus, in order to Prevent cyber bullying, we must address the cause - the erosion of empathy - as well as what is facilitating that erosion - our over-dependence on electronic communications. Although there are many important steps, let's start with these 3. Get ready...  You are going to need to Take The Cyber Balance Challenge!

1. First Key - Adopt an individual and family philosophy of Cyber Balance! For one week, take a survey of everyone in the family.  Write down every day how  many hours each person spends on technology.  At the same time, also write down how much time your family spends having face to face interactions - with no technology!! Be honest!  At the end of the week (including weekends), add up the hours for each. Ask yourself this question - are we in balance?  If so - great, keep up the good work! If not, regroup and set up new guidelines for cyber balance! Look to the Second Key  for help!

2.  Second Key - Find and establish ways to experience direct interaction - face to face - and practice empathic behaviors and reflective listening. Here are a few suggestions. Designate tech free periods during the day. During this time, as a family or individually, practice "doing good" for one another. Look for ways to cultivate empathy - helping out needy individuals, serving others, even doing each others' chores! Replace tech games with real life games and activities. Put all technology away at meal times and in short car rides. Have a tech free weekend once a month! When someone is talking, put down the technology, looks them in the eyes and listen! More suggestions are in cyber bullying no more! 

3. Third Key - Ouch!!!  Parents, guardians, and adults - you must model healthy use of technology! We must do what we say - we must practice what we preach! Let's live by example!  Put down your technology and spend time directly interacting with your children.  Be present and be available! Really listen to them - especially if you want them to listen to you!!

More steps for Prevention  are on my website, Holli Kenley - Recovery Expert.

And, I will be discussing Taking The Cyber Balance Challenge in more detail on W4CY Radio Wed. October 9, 2013 -  Holli Kenley - Keys For Recovery ! Join me at 12 pm ET!! If you  missed it, take a listen now....
Are You Ready To Take The Cyber Balance Challenge?

Homework:  Take The Cyber Balance Challenge - take your poll and regroup!  And, get your family on a Family Online Safety Contract!  Start today! 


      If you missed last week's show, take a listen  Anti-Bullying Month - Awareness & Intervention!

Anti-Bullying Month - How to Step Up and Step In!

October is a very busy month with several extremely important causes - Anti-Bullying, Breast Cancer, and Domestic Violence Awareness.  Today, we are going to focus on Anti-Bullying and Cyber Bullying. Although I blog about bullying and cyber bullying frequently, I want to focus on giving you a bit of background information and a few keys for intervention.  With a better understanding of both bullying and cyber bullying, we can step up our awareness and with a couple of strategies under our belts, we can step in and help our children more effectively!

First, let's start with a basic understanding what bullying and cyber bullying are.

• For the most part, they are learned behaviors. This is important because if we learned it, we can unlearn it!
• Both are considered aggressive behaviors  - some behaviors constitute a deliberate intent to harm and others are in reaction to being harmed.
• Bullying and cyber bullying are different from "normal conflict". In "normal conflict", there is an equal balance of power; with both kinds of bullying, there is a significant power differential. 
• Bullies and victims (both with traditional bullying and cyber bullying) can take on both roles. This  means that many times a child is who is a victim may also be a bully, and the reverse is true as well. The role of the bystander is also very important.
• Children bully or cyber bully for many reasons.  The top 3 reasons (supported by research) are the following:  (1) For power and control or to feel better about themselves; (2) It is fun or cool; (3) For revenge or retaliation.  It is also important to note that individuals suffering with underlying mental health issues can also be a contributing factor.

Becoming aware of how, why and to what degree our children are involved in bullying or cyber bullying will help us to step in and intervene!  Let's take a look at 3 strategies.

1.  Have a conversation with your children about bullying and cyber bullying. 

• This is important - put away all technology and set aside some time to really talk.  Share stories of when you were a child (talk about bullying or other difficult challenges).
• Discuss bullying cases in the news or in your neighborhood, school, or town.
• Watch the  movie Bully (or other films about bullying) and discuss it.  Bring the topic out into the open and make it comfortable for your children to share.  

2. Become familiar with the signs that your child may be being bullied or cyber bullied (or both).

• Look for changes in behavior over a period of time.
• Child may appear unusually sad, depressed, fearful and afraid.
• Child is sleeping too much or is having difficulty sleeping.
• Child isolates, withdraws, or spends  more time alone.
• Child is easily angered or agitated (depression in children often looks like anger).
• There is a change in routine, friends, or activities. Child does not want to go to school. 

3. Implement these first three strategies - for victim or bully or both.

 Victim: 3 S's

• Support - Let children know you believe them and support them. You will make it better.
• Safety Net - Let children know you will put safety measures in place: reporting to authorities, implementing technology tools, participating in a buddy system or support group.
• Social Skills - Many children who are victims feel insecure, afraid, have low self-esteem and worth, or are withdrawn. Through activities, counseling, or group work, build up those skills - empower them! 

Bullies: 3 C's

• Consequences - Punishment alone does not work well.  Find our why the bullying is going on and implement meaningful consequences.
• Contract - Implement a behavioral contract that will change the behavior and reinforce appropriate behavior. Use positive reinforcement as much as possible.
• Counseling - After knowing more about the kind of bullying, the degree of bullying, and why they child is bullying, please consider counseling. There may be underlying issues or mental health concerns.

There is more we can do to continue to become aware and to intervene with our children.  There is much more information on my website Holli Kenley and in my book cyber bullying no more .

And join me next week, on w4cy Radio - Kenley's Keys for Recovery when we discuss protection and prevention! 12 pm ET!

Got Empathy? These 3,000 Students Do!

Thursday, August 29th and Friday, August 30th, 2013, I saw empathy in action. Spending two days in the presence of Kirk Smalley and his Stand For The Silent message, I was paralyzed with hope as countless hearts were changed and lives were saved. Delivering his deeply personal narrative depicting the loss of his son - Ty Smalley - while simultaneously honoring the deaths of 55,000 other young people to suicide as the result of bullying, Kirk is able to reach in and connect with students, educators, and parents breaking down attitudes of exclusion and intolerance and replacing them with mutual love, respect, and support.  Kirk's presentations at six school sites and one community screening of the film Bully (in which Kirk's family is profiled), have left indelible images of the best of humanity and of the spirit of resiliency in the hearts and minds of those who were present.

I Am Somebody

Sitting on the sidelines during Kirk's message and witnessing an open dynamic exchange of empathy, these moments will be with me forever...

• Hundreds of noisy, energetic, restless youth scramble to their seats awaiting the start of their assembly. Within moments of Kirk's first words, middle schoolers stop fidgeting; high schoolers lose their attitudes. An unfamiliar quiet sets in. 

• After learning or being reminded of the American Sign Language hand formation for love and

  

  "I Support You...I Have Your Back...I Respect You"

  understanding that it can also mean "I respect you...I have your back...I support you", thousands of little and large hands spontaneously and continually pop up throughout Kirk's message.One little boy crouched on the floor in front of me holds up his two tiny hands throughout the entire ninety  minute talk.  Another special needs' young man sitting next to me struggles to hold down the ring and middle fingers with his free hand so his pinky, pointer and thumb will cooperate - so he can show his love and support to Kirk.

• As Kirk relates the painful loss of his son to suicide because of bullying, two little girls sitting next to each other give him their loving hand sign with their outside hands, using their inside arms and hands to create a heart together - holding it steady and sending it out to Kirk. 

Sending love to Kirk

• Hearing the personal tragedies of five other children lost to suicide because of bullying, children catch their tears with shirt sleeves and wipe their faces with grubby fingers while adults frantically search for pieces of tissue. Students lean in to one another, teachers put their arms around young ones and older ones too, and stray adults draw closer to one another. All across the gymnasium, a sea of loving hand signs ebb and tide towards Kirk, and one another. 

Honoring Ty Smalley

• As Kirk moves into the theme of suicide making reference to his precious son and countless others, two boys leave their seats and walk toward Ty's large photo displayed on the gymnasium floor. They remove their "I Am Somebody" bracelets and lay them gently around the corners of Ty's picture. 

• In each assembly, Kirk asks the students to raise their hands if "...you have ever been picked on, called  names, been made fun of or excluded....been bullied".  Almost every hand goes up. A collective ache sets in the room couched in a blanket of compassion for one another. Students hold the hands of one another and hold each other more tightly. Kirk looks them straight in their eyes and says, "I love you."

"Be The Hero He Can Be"

• Shortly thereafter, Kirk asks the audience a 'tougher' question, "....Will you raise your hand if you are a bully now".  A few hands go up quickly; a few others take their time. Without hesitation, Kirk responds, "I love you, too" , sending out his hand sign. Kirk walks over to a high school football player who has raised his hand - who is shaken by the question and by his sudden ownership.  Kirk sits down in front of him and repeats, "I love you, too." Tears flow down the young man's face; his head lowers in shame. He is visibly distraught as Kirk stays with him, encouraging him to 'be the hero he is capable of being'.  Several moments later, as Kirk is speaking, another lone arm raises obscurely within the crowd.  Kirk pauses, giving him the space to talk. With hundreds of eyes on him, the tall lean young man chokes and whispers, "I am a bully, too".  Kirk responds, "I love you.... you can change that, can't you?" The broken boy nods. Hand signs of love are raised in his direction.

• As Kirk continues to share the staggering statistics of youth suicide - one in four will not only think about suicide but will have a plan to take his/her own life before graduating from high school. And as he weaves in the theme that 'everyone has a right to be here....everyone is special....everyone is somebody', hope and healing fill the room. Suddenly, at one school, a young girl sitting high up in the bleachers stands up and holds her hand high in the air, sending out the love sign. A few more join in, then more; then within moments, all are standing.  Over 700 young people are on their feet - standing in solidarity - standing against bullying. Teachers, administrators and support staff are crying - welling with pride,compassion, and love.

• Moving into the later part of his message, Kirk talks about 'his belief in young people...how they can be the change...how it doesn't cost anything to treat one another with respect, love, and dignity...how they can Stand For The Silent and each other through their actions, their words, and their commitment to be the change'. Trying desperately but unsuccessfully to hold back his own tears, Kirk delivers his final plea, "This is not an option...we cannot lose another baby...". Eyes are wiped and are wide open. Minds are swept clean of past pain making way for a pathway to change. Kirk invites those who are willing and ready to recite the Stand For The Silent Pledge. As a chorus of confident voices responds, Kirk concludes his message providing materials and resources for sustaining their commitment to change. Knowing the assembly is coming to a close, students ready themselves to dash toward him.

Stand For The Silent Pledge

• Without exception, at every presentation, Kirk is met with a swarm of students. Some need a hug - some need to hug him. Others melt into his tall lanky body, wanting to absorb his comfort and his compassion. Many want to share their stories, knowing he will encourage and support them. And still, there are others, like a young boy who stood in line, waiting his turn and sobbing uncontrollably. And when Kirk reached out to him, this fragile precious little guy managed to choke out the words, "You changed my life today....". Kirk's long arms engulfed him into a embrace of safety and of support.              

With our children's lives filled with incredible hardship and harshness from a myriad of sources in our world today, it is a wonder that their little hearts are hurting and in many cases hardened. And then, a stranger comes along delivering an empathic message of respect, support and love for all - and an authentic softening towards the differences and uniqueness of one another takes hold. Kirk's audiences learn that if we are ever going to get a handle on this toxic tide of anti-social bullying behavior, we must provide dialogue that creates awareness and understanding and that opens our hearts to change and to compassion. And because Kirk's Stand For The Silent message provides the opportunity to be a part of and to experience firsthand the goodness of the human spirit present and at work, we learn or relearn to respect and regard the right of each and every human being to 'be here and be who he/she is'.

Let's Stand Together - Let's  Stand Against Bullying

Kirk Smalley's message embraces the power of empathy - an antidote to bullying. And although it is often a rare commodity in our society, today, if someone were to ask me if our kids 'got empathy?', I can answer unequivocally, 

These '3,000 Students Do!'   

A note of appreciation... It is amazing what can happen when a community comes together to join in

the support of a valley wide Anti-Bullying Event.  I want to express my gratitude to the following sponsors:  

The Prescott Film Festival, The Elks Theatre & Performing Arts Center, AAUW, MATForce, Arizona Parents' Commission On Drug Education And Prevention - 

Governor's Office For Children, Youth and Families, 

Yavapai County Education Service Agency, 

 Unified Schools Districts of Chino Valley, Humboldt, and Prescott. 

What Can We Do To Stop Bullying? Everything!!

Bully - The Movie

For the past year, my husband and I have spearheaded a small committee dedicated to starting a movement in our community "To Stop Bullying"! In order to do this,

we realize that the only way to create change is to open minds through education and awareness and to open hearts through compassion and empathy.

We will accomplish this with a two day anti-bullying event entitled "In Harms' Way: Dangers Facing Our Children Today"  which will feature Kirk Smalley of Stand For The Silent.  Kirk will speak to over 2,500 students at four local school assemblies as well as present at two public events. In addition, we will screen the film Bully through the Prescott Film Festival - a documentary which captures the tragic effects of bullying in the lives of five families.

Let's Stand Against Bullying - Let's Stand For The Silent

Many people have asked, why would you do this?  You no longer have children in your home? Why not just sit back and enjoy your retirement? Please read the interview below and you will find out why.

What can we do to stop bullying? Everything!!

Bullying (or cyber bullying) is not a rite of passage for a child.  It is a recipe for ruination of a young person's life. 

What can we do to stop bullying?  Everything! 

 Let's do this now! Let's get this done! Let's do this together!